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haebinMy next chapter, I really hope you'll enjoy it.
And thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me.
♥
Chapter I - Chapter II - Chapter III - Chapter IV - Chapter V - Chapter VI - Chapter VII - Chapter VIII - Chapter IX - Chapter X - Chapter XI
Anwyn took the clean dishes in her hands and placed them carefully in the wicker basket next to her. Although the sun shone gently down on her, the spring water was still icy cold. She rubbed her hands together to get some feeling into them when a soft clearing of the throat made her flinch.
"By the nine hells," she cursed and turned around, her hand on her chest to calm her violently beating heart. Then Anwyn's gaze fell on her visitor.
"Trálír?" she whispered. There was bewilderment in her gaze, but then in the next moment her brown eyes darkened and an expression of indifference appeared on her narrow face. Trálír tried to swallow the rising lump in his throat and he literally felt his heart drop into a bottomless abyss when he noticed Anwyn's reaction to his appearance.
The moment he spotted Anwyn and the moment she turned to him and recognized him, he realized that he had been lying to himself all these weeks.
Trálír had spent the last few months imagining how Anwyn's eyes would fill with love, how she would embrace him with happiness, grateful and relieved that he had come back to her.
And now the young elf had to face the unpleasant reality, because in her gaze and in her body language he read a clear rejection of him. She looked at Trálír from narrow eyes, her lips pressed together, her arms crossed in front of her chest.
"What brings you here?" Anwyn's voice was hard, indifferent.
"I ... um ... I wanted to see if you..." He cleared his throat uncertainly. "Whether you're all right."
"We survived the winter," she replied and he searched her face for an emotion, a sign that she still had feelings for him. Trálír searched for the hint of a smile, a hopeful look in her eyes.
His throat tightened as he realized that he found nothing. He could read nothing in Anwyn's gaze and there was no movement in her face, no sign of whether she was happy or relieved to see him. The Elf looked at her and realized that Anwyn's once bright eyes seemed empty, as if she was not here, not at this spring, not near him.
Trálír nodded slowly, unable to get a word past his lips.
"Well, if that's all, then I wish you a safe ride back to your castle," Anwyn said and with those words she kneeled down, lifted the wicker basket and walked past him, ignoring the Elf. Speechless, Trálír stared at her, who left him standing there without another word or glance in his direction.
"Anwyn, please wait," the High Elf called out and followed her in confusion. He was sure that she was aware that he was behind her.
She walked steadily from the spring straight to the house, opened the door and threw it shut behind her. Trálír backed away in surprise to avoid the slamming door. Stunned, he stared at the old, almost brittle wood, which reminded him that Anwyn was in the house and he was not.
"Anwyn!" Trálír clenched his lips in frustration. "Please open the door."
He sighed impatiently. "Anwyn, please. I need to talk to you."
Another pause, another moment that felt like an eternity. Trálír got no answer.
"Please, let me explain."
Startled, Trálír backed away as the door suddenly opened without warning and Anwyn stood right in front of him, her brown eyes filled with anger.
"Explain? You want me to let you explain what brings you back after all these weeks? Why should I listen to this, to you? Why should I believe your words after you ... after you just left me?" She broke off and stared angrily at the elf.
"Anwyn, I'm sorry..."
"No!" she replied and raised her hand to cut him off. "How dare you? I do not want to hear that. You made it very clear where your priorities lay, Trálír. And it wasn't me. You choose your duty over me and I accept that. I had to accept that, I had no other choice. But don't think now that you can just come back and undo everything."
"Anwyn, damn it," Trálír replied, shaking his head in frustration. "You were..." He improved. "You are my priority."
"Oh, is that so? I don't remember you showing up here after our last conversation."
"I tried to protect you," Trálír pressed out between clenched teeth. "That was my priority. I did that to protect you."
"And I told you that you didn't have to make that decision. That was not your call." Anwyn's voice broke. And suddenly her emotions broke through. Trálír heard the trembling in her voice, the suppressed sobs and he saw her eyes got teary.
"Anwyn," he whispered and gently reached his hand in her direction, but she shook her head and backed away.
Her clear rejection broke Trálír's heart. He struggled to suppress the rising lump in his throat.
The elf shook his head dejectedly and lowered his hand again. His shoulders slumped as he looked sadly at the ground.
"I was a fool," Trálír whispered gloomily. "I was such a fool. I thought I could protect you from everything. From my family, from the arrogance of my own race, from the underlying danger that lies in the dark."
Anwyn fell silent and tilted her head slightly to the side to avoid Trálír's gaze.
"When winter set in ... and you were always in my thoughts, Anwyn. Every day, every night, every hour and every single minute. And the more I thought about what I had done, the more I realized that I had made the wrong decision. A decision that everyone who even suspected that I had feelings for you expected me to make."
Trálír sighed, guilt in his dark voice.
"Whether it was my father who wouldn't let me out of his sight or my brother, whose words slowly burnt under my skin like acid. I did exactly what they wanted."
He took a step back and shook his head slowly.
"Where did I get the idea to come back here and expose you to all this pain again?"
Trálír took a deep breath. "Forgive me, Anwyn. I didn't mean to."
He bit his lips, slowly turned around and reached for the door handle when he suddenly heard Anwyn say a word. He glanced over his shoulder uncertainly.
"Wait."
She looked at him and brushed a curl from her forehead that had fallen into her face. He could see in her eyes how much she was struggling with herself. Trálír saw the pain he had caused her and the hope of ... a new beginning? He wasn't sure.
She nervously brushed her lower lip with the tip of her tongue and looked to the side again, trying not to look at him.
"It hurts too much," she said slowly.
"I understand", replied Trálír with sadness in his voice.
Anwyn took a few steps back and slowly lowered herself onto the edge of her campsite. Her hands lay in her lap and she knotted them together, which was always a clear sign of her nervousness.
"I would like to tell you so much, Trálír, but the words won't pass my lips," she continued sadly. "I wish I could forgive, I wish we could go back to some time when neither of us felt compelled to make a decision. But this has happened and I don't know what to do."
A single tear slid down Anwyn's thin face and she wiped it away in shame.
"I don't even know what to feel or say."
Trálír swallowed hard.
Not another word passed her lips and as the silence weighed heavy and dark between them, Trálír cleared his throat and finally said:
"Whatever you wish, Anwyn, I will respect. If you ask me to turn around now, to leave you and never return, then I will do so. If you wish me to reach for your hand and clasp it, then I will honor your wish. Whatever you want, I will respect your decision. With all the consequences."
Anwyn stared at her fingers in silence and raised her eyes cautiously when Trálír suddenly dropped to his knees and looked up at her.
"Whatever you decide."
As she did not avoid his gaze but looked him in the eyes with uncertainty and revealed her wounded heart, Trálír gathered all his courage and carefully reached for her hands, which she did not withdraw. He gave her a gentle smile, clasped her fingers and simply looked at her. There was no expectation, no pressure, no compulsion.
Just him and her.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked softly, his heart stopping at his own words as he feared she would answer in the negative.
"I don't know," she replied in a low voice, biting her lip uncertainly.
"Would you allow me to visit you again tomorrow?" Trálír asked, his voice sounding strained. Relief flooded through his body as he saw her nod.
He gave her a tender smile, released his hands from hers and stood up. Anwyn looked up at him and in her brown eyes he read so much uncertainty that his heart ached.
He suspected that he had a lot to make up for.
*****
The day began for Anwyn at sunrise. When the first light of the sun fell into the house, Anwyn woke up, sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She looked at her father lying on his side, his face turned towards the wall. But she could tell from his quiet breathing that he was fast asleep. As quietly as she could, Anwyn rose from her bed, opened the chest and took out freshly laundered clothes, which she placed next to her. In the chest was a narrow band of dark green silk that had once belonged to her mother. Anwyn reached for it and while she put her long curls up in a knot with one hand, she took the silk ribbon with the other and wrapped it skillfully around her hair. Although she had tried to keep her hair up as neatly as possible, a few curls sprang out at the sides and framed her face. Anwyn sighed softly and finally gave in, for as much as she had tried, her hair was just too stubborn to tame. She grabbed her clothes and shoes and slowly slipped out of the house. She quietly pulled the door behind her, careful not to make any noise.
It was chilly and there was still snow on the ground, which was slowly turning into the snowmelt they were familiar with.
Anwyn bent down and slipped on her shoes to protect herself from the cold wetness of the ground. She heard the goat grumble softly to herself and muttered: "Patience, little one. Patience."
Yawning, she walked to the spring, undressed and quickly began to wash herself. The sun had only been in the sky for a few minutes, so the cold of the night could still be felt. Her whole body was covered in goose bumps as she soaked a simple linen towel, wrung it out and then hurriedly washed herself with it. Unlike the last few weeks when she only did a cat wash, this time she soaped herself with the lavender soap and wondered if she did it because she knew Trálír would visit her.
How much she had wished in all that time, in all those sleepless and tear-filled nights, that he would return to her.
And when he suddenly stood behind her unexpectedly yesterday, when she heard him clear his throat and saw him, she was filled with a rage and a pain so deep that everything inside her cried out to hurt him as much as he had hurt her.
She even felt the urge to throw herself at him, to beat her fists against his chest. She wanted to inflict such deep pain on him as she had experienced when he had made his decision.
In the end, however, Anwyn had chosen ignorance and she had sensed how confused and hurt he was by her behavior.
She wished so much that he would just leave and take all the pain inside her with him and the next second she wanted him to step through the door, pull her into his arms and kiss her passionately. Anwyn had been so frustrated by all the emotions she was feeling that she had finally sought a confrontation with him.
And as she listened to his words, filled with guilt and grief, her anger and resistance faded. As Trálír knelt before her, she felt the need to put her hand on his cheek and tell him how much she had missed him. But something had held her back.
Still, Anwyn couldn't tell him that she had finally decided against him.
She had no idea where all this was going, but the thought of losing Trálír again was too painful.
And thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me.
♥
Chapter I - Chapter II - Chapter III - Chapter IV - Chapter V - Chapter VI - Chapter VII - Chapter VIII - Chapter IX - Chapter X - Chapter XI
Anwyn took the clean dishes in her hands and placed them carefully in the wicker basket next to her. Although the sun shone gently down on her, the spring water was still icy cold. She rubbed her hands together to get some feeling into them when a soft clearing of the throat made her flinch.
"By the nine hells," she cursed and turned around, her hand on her chest to calm her violently beating heart. Then Anwyn's gaze fell on her visitor.
"Trálír?" she whispered. There was bewilderment in her gaze, but then in the next moment her brown eyes darkened and an expression of indifference appeared on her narrow face. Trálír tried to swallow the rising lump in his throat and he literally felt his heart drop into a bottomless abyss when he noticed Anwyn's reaction to his appearance.
The moment he spotted Anwyn and the moment she turned to him and recognized him, he realized that he had been lying to himself all these weeks.
Trálír had spent the last few months imagining how Anwyn's eyes would fill with love, how she would embrace him with happiness, grateful and relieved that he had come back to her.
And now the young elf had to face the unpleasant reality, because in her gaze and in her body language he read a clear rejection of him. She looked at Trálír from narrow eyes, her lips pressed together, her arms crossed in front of her chest.
"What brings you here?" Anwyn's voice was hard, indifferent.
"I ... um ... I wanted to see if you..." He cleared his throat uncertainly. "Whether you're all right."
"We survived the winter," she replied and he searched her face for an emotion, a sign that she still had feelings for him. Trálír searched for the hint of a smile, a hopeful look in her eyes.
His throat tightened as he realized that he found nothing. He could read nothing in Anwyn's gaze and there was no movement in her face, no sign of whether she was happy or relieved to see him. The Elf looked at her and realized that Anwyn's once bright eyes seemed empty, as if she was not here, not at this spring, not near him.
Trálír nodded slowly, unable to get a word past his lips.
"Well, if that's all, then I wish you a safe ride back to your castle," Anwyn said and with those words she kneeled down, lifted the wicker basket and walked past him, ignoring the Elf. Speechless, Trálír stared at her, who left him standing there without another word or glance in his direction.
"Anwyn, please wait," the High Elf called out and followed her in confusion. He was sure that she was aware that he was behind her.
She walked steadily from the spring straight to the house, opened the door and threw it shut behind her. Trálír backed away in surprise to avoid the slamming door. Stunned, he stared at the old, almost brittle wood, which reminded him that Anwyn was in the house and he was not.
"Anwyn!" Trálír clenched his lips in frustration. "Please open the door."
He sighed impatiently. "Anwyn, please. I need to talk to you."
Another pause, another moment that felt like an eternity. Trálír got no answer.
"Please, let me explain."
Startled, Trálír backed away as the door suddenly opened without warning and Anwyn stood right in front of him, her brown eyes filled with anger.
"Explain? You want me to let you explain what brings you back after all these weeks? Why should I listen to this, to you? Why should I believe your words after you ... after you just left me?" She broke off and stared angrily at the elf.
"Anwyn, I'm sorry..."
"No!" she replied and raised her hand to cut him off. "How dare you? I do not want to hear that. You made it very clear where your priorities lay, Trálír. And it wasn't me. You choose your duty over me and I accept that. I had to accept that, I had no other choice. But don't think now that you can just come back and undo everything."
"Anwyn, damn it," Trálír replied, shaking his head in frustration. "You were..." He improved. "You are my priority."
"Oh, is that so? I don't remember you showing up here after our last conversation."
"I tried to protect you," Trálír pressed out between clenched teeth. "That was my priority. I did that to protect you."
"And I told you that you didn't have to make that decision. That was not your call." Anwyn's voice broke. And suddenly her emotions broke through. Trálír heard the trembling in her voice, the suppressed sobs and he saw her eyes got teary.
"Anwyn," he whispered and gently reached his hand in her direction, but she shook her head and backed away.
Her clear rejection broke Trálír's heart. He struggled to suppress the rising lump in his throat.
The elf shook his head dejectedly and lowered his hand again. His shoulders slumped as he looked sadly at the ground.
"I was a fool," Trálír whispered gloomily. "I was such a fool. I thought I could protect you from everything. From my family, from the arrogance of my own race, from the underlying danger that lies in the dark."
Anwyn fell silent and tilted her head slightly to the side to avoid Trálír's gaze.
"When winter set in ... and you were always in my thoughts, Anwyn. Every day, every night, every hour and every single minute. And the more I thought about what I had done, the more I realized that I had made the wrong decision. A decision that everyone who even suspected that I had feelings for you expected me to make."
Trálír sighed, guilt in his dark voice.
"Whether it was my father who wouldn't let me out of his sight or my brother, whose words slowly burnt under my skin like acid. I did exactly what they wanted."
He took a step back and shook his head slowly.
"Where did I get the idea to come back here and expose you to all this pain again?"
Trálír took a deep breath. "Forgive me, Anwyn. I didn't mean to."
He bit his lips, slowly turned around and reached for the door handle when he suddenly heard Anwyn say a word. He glanced over his shoulder uncertainly.
"Wait."
She looked at him and brushed a curl from her forehead that had fallen into her face. He could see in her eyes how much she was struggling with herself. Trálír saw the pain he had caused her and the hope of ... a new beginning? He wasn't sure.
She nervously brushed her lower lip with the tip of her tongue and looked to the side again, trying not to look at him.
"It hurts too much," she said slowly.
"I understand", replied Trálír with sadness in his voice.
Anwyn took a few steps back and slowly lowered herself onto the edge of her campsite. Her hands lay in her lap and she knotted them together, which was always a clear sign of her nervousness.
"I would like to tell you so much, Trálír, but the words won't pass my lips," she continued sadly. "I wish I could forgive, I wish we could go back to some time when neither of us felt compelled to make a decision. But this has happened and I don't know what to do."
A single tear slid down Anwyn's thin face and she wiped it away in shame.
"I don't even know what to feel or say."
Trálír swallowed hard.
Not another word passed her lips and as the silence weighed heavy and dark between them, Trálír cleared his throat and finally said:
"Whatever you wish, Anwyn, I will respect. If you ask me to turn around now, to leave you and never return, then I will do so. If you wish me to reach for your hand and clasp it, then I will honor your wish. Whatever you want, I will respect your decision. With all the consequences."
Anwyn stared at her fingers in silence and raised her eyes cautiously when Trálír suddenly dropped to his knees and looked up at her.
"Whatever you decide."
As she did not avoid his gaze but looked him in the eyes with uncertainty and revealed her wounded heart, Trálír gathered all his courage and carefully reached for her hands, which she did not withdraw. He gave her a gentle smile, clasped her fingers and simply looked at her. There was no expectation, no pressure, no compulsion.
Just him and her.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked softly, his heart stopping at his own words as he feared she would answer in the negative.
"I don't know," she replied in a low voice, biting her lip uncertainly.
"Would you allow me to visit you again tomorrow?" Trálír asked, his voice sounding strained. Relief flooded through his body as he saw her nod.
He gave her a tender smile, released his hands from hers and stood up. Anwyn looked up at him and in her brown eyes he read so much uncertainty that his heart ached.
He suspected that he had a lot to make up for.
The day began for Anwyn at sunrise. When the first light of the sun fell into the house, Anwyn woke up, sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She looked at her father lying on his side, his face turned towards the wall. But she could tell from his quiet breathing that he was fast asleep. As quietly as she could, Anwyn rose from her bed, opened the chest and took out freshly laundered clothes, which she placed next to her. In the chest was a narrow band of dark green silk that had once belonged to her mother. Anwyn reached for it and while she put her long curls up in a knot with one hand, she took the silk ribbon with the other and wrapped it skillfully around her hair. Although she had tried to keep her hair up as neatly as possible, a few curls sprang out at the sides and framed her face. Anwyn sighed softly and finally gave in, for as much as she had tried, her hair was just too stubborn to tame. She grabbed her clothes and shoes and slowly slipped out of the house. She quietly pulled the door behind her, careful not to make any noise.
It was chilly and there was still snow on the ground, which was slowly turning into the snowmelt they were familiar with.
Anwyn bent down and slipped on her shoes to protect herself from the cold wetness of the ground. She heard the goat grumble softly to herself and muttered: "Patience, little one. Patience."
Yawning, she walked to the spring, undressed and quickly began to wash herself. The sun had only been in the sky for a few minutes, so the cold of the night could still be felt. Her whole body was covered in goose bumps as she soaked a simple linen towel, wrung it out and then hurriedly washed herself with it. Unlike the last few weeks when she only did a cat wash, this time she soaped herself with the lavender soap and wondered if she did it because she knew Trálír would visit her.
How much she had wished in all that time, in all those sleepless and tear-filled nights, that he would return to her.
And when he suddenly stood behind her unexpectedly yesterday, when she heard him clear his throat and saw him, she was filled with a rage and a pain so deep that everything inside her cried out to hurt him as much as he had hurt her.
She even felt the urge to throw herself at him, to beat her fists against his chest. She wanted to inflict such deep pain on him as she had experienced when he had made his decision.
In the end, however, Anwyn had chosen ignorance and she had sensed how confused and hurt he was by her behavior.
She wished so much that he would just leave and take all the pain inside her with him and the next second she wanted him to step through the door, pull her into his arms and kiss her passionately. Anwyn had been so frustrated by all the emotions she was feeling that she had finally sought a confrontation with him.
And as she listened to his words, filled with guilt and grief, her anger and resistance faded. As Trálír knelt before her, she felt the need to put her hand on his cheek and tell him how much she had missed him. But something had held her back.
Still, Anwyn couldn't tell him that she had finally decided against him.
She had no idea where all this was going, but the thought of losing Trálír again was too painful.
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